So far I have shared nearly every detail of what has been going on in my/our lives. It was easy. Sometimes I find it difficult to filter my thoughts; just ask my husband ;) For the last month though I've been engulfed in my memories of Audrey and Bryn. I scroll through my Pinterest board that I made called Twinning and scroll through my phone gallery of pictures and the time I had with them and just tear up at the memories. I find that most conversations only come from my mouth out of necessity not want. People were in and out of our home but I've felt so alone. Having all these conversations when all you can think of is what could have been. I've gotten caught a few times; you know just having an all out why me cry fest when Jamie and Nik made a surprise visit from Raleigh one day. Of course these emotions are normal but sometimes I just wish I could be genuinely happy, not like fake happy. I wish I could have peace but I can truly say I do not know if I ever will. And that's normal. Who was it that said normal is overrated?
For the moms that have had a child; that have had moments, hours, days, months, or years of memories…. my heart aches for you. To the mom that thinks just because you didn't carry your child quite as long in the womb than another mom and that it is not on the same level...STOP. To carry a child for any amount of time is to love them. It is to become a mom. To know any child is to love them. The innocence, the tantrums, the diapers, the babbling. The days are long but they years go by fast. Some days I look at Troy and run down a list of names to call of people that would be willing take him in for a week and still love him...unconditionally. Would Bryn and Audrey test my nerves just as much as their energetic, loving, playful and polite brother; probably. This is one of the worst parts... Only being able to fantasize of what could be...of what NEVER will be. These dreams and fantasies of mine won't come true. I am thankful for the memories that I had with them but spend most of my days lonely and yearning for what could have been. My heart is more full because I had them and for the moments I got to hold them both in my womb and in my arms. After all that has been lost, there is still a memory...but you can't put your arms around a memory.
One day I know these posts will change all of these lingering doubts and the sadness will fade but I also know that I will carry them and my other angel baby and share my hopes and dreams for them with as many as I can. I will speak their names as often as I can. I do not want to be alone in my memories and therefore I will share them. I hope you are all ready.
Cheers, LB
Children and families alike across America celebrated Dr. Seuss the other week. I found my new favorite quote of his. What a wise man.
Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory. – Dr. Seus
