Success

It's been on my mind a lot lately. I've been coaching again, job searching, back to school shopping, job searching, kicked to every external link you can think of and have more junk mail and spam than should be lawfully allowed. So many of us(myself included) measure success by the money we make, the items we have, the places we go, where we live. I don't want that pressure anymore. I still have a pressure on me but it's changed. I've always said that all I want to do is travel the world and be with my family while taking lots of pictures. That's it. I do not want the 9-5. The direct deposit. The automatic bill pay. The budgeting. If I measured my success on those factors I'm a huge failure. We live in a big apartment but it's surely not a house. But my kids are just as happy busting through this door as they could be in a mansion. We wrestle, we eat cookies and popcorn and chicken, we play. Do I want more for them? Absolutely, but I want it in experiences. I want them to see new places; Introduce themselves to strangers and hear their stories. I want them to indulge in their time with family. Starting now I will judge myself on how successful I am not because of money but because of how well my kids turn out and if someone decides to throw a party for me and celebrate me. I figure if they're celebrating me it means I've made them happy at some point. I had kids to spend time with them in life not work and be away from them. This is not a bash on anyone that works it's just saying that that is not MY love or success language. If my kids are happy, polite and well rounded and if people care enough to throw a party for me I'll consider myself a success. Until then my "work" is not done. 

Cheers, LB

Momentos

We etch them in our bodies, we put them up in frames, we find symbols, colors, block letters, necklaces, bracelets, quotes. It's all we have. I try to be grateful for all my momentos...and I truly am but truth be told there are those times I just want to bash them all to hell. I hold them tighter. Rub them like a Mom or Dad rubbing their little one to sleep. 5 months later and these momentos just aren't enough. Gluttony. A sin. An indulgence. I should've indulged in Audrey and Bryn more. Now I just indulge in momentos. It's all I can do right? I can't indulge them.  At the time I felt guilt.  J.T. didn't get the chance to hold them and I felt guilt for the time I had. Short and sweet. So much pain that I didn't want to feel. Now I'd give anything to feel them again. Side by side and swaddled as "one" they were handed to me. I looked and studied them and the tears fell hard. Had I been of sound mind I would've never let them go. They should've had to use the jaws of life to pry them from me. I studied their faces........ their eyes weren't open. Their lips were tiny slivers like shaved ice. They were so peaceful. Their tiny hands with fingernails. Take a look at your pinky really quick. That's as wide as their entire foot was. I know that that was poor subject and verb agreement. I'm sure they would've been born by now but this was the day they were due and the day we will celebrate their memory . I had hoped they'd be born June 7. My brothers birthday. I'd hoped they'd get his smarts and talents...and laugh. I'd hoped for a lifetime with them. I'd hoped for beautiful chaos in our family.  I'd hoped by now for 4 not 2. Now I have ultrasound pictures and knitted booties that are blood stained. I think of them ALL THE TIME. You may not and that's ok but I do. If you ever want to bring them up or talk about them...that's ok too. I'd love that. I just knew that all the positivity and prayers were going to work. I was wrong.  Most of you were. I hate saying that but I feel like I'm speaking for so many when they say please just wish me the best. Please don't give me false hope. I say this with hindsight now. At the time I held onto it for dear life. None of us know. Shit happens. Genes don't line up right. Chromosomes are too strong or weak. Some uteruses  aren't strong enough and neither are cervixes.  Sometimes one placenta just won't do. Sometimes it's all just too much. Please just wish everyone the best. Please just say "damn, that sucks I'm so sad and I'll always think of them" when it all falls apart.  Nothing more. Nothing  less.  They changed my heart forever. I'll love them forever. I'll look for things that remind me of them forever.  I'll long for them forever. My momentos.

I want to thank my MOPS Moms for my beautiful Origami Owl necklace. Origami Owls' mission is to be a FORCE FOR GOOD and you all embody that. . I wear it with pride....thank you

This link that shows a developing fetus brings tears to my eyes. How beautiful and miraculous human life is. This is a very good picture of what size and what Audrey and Bryn looked like when they were "born".

#prolife  #inaninstantaheartbeats # twins #audreyandbryn #trapsequencetriplets #jan252015 #smallbutmighty

Cheers, LB

O2

I seriously can't believe this is my life. Staying home with my toddler and trying to promote my business. I do love Origami Owl though because of one big reason. It tells a story. Don't we all have a story? You all read my sad one.  We have happy one's too though!  No matter my story though I get to carry it with me. I wish I had Audrey and Bryn to carry with me physically  but I don't, so this necklace will have to do. So when someone sees it I can share my story. I can tell about all the wonderful mom's  in my MOPS group that got the necklace made for me. They are a force for good. That is the O2 mission.  The summer and MLB line launches today. What's your story?

i wonder

Today I felt like honestly knocking over every display at Target in the maternity and baby girl section. Oh and the shoes too. So I sat today and wondered how different my life would be today if I were still pregnant. I started to get teary so I cut a piece of cheesecake and cracked open a beer. My life is still beautiful.

Cheers, LB

Lower Cascades

Before you enter the gate to hanging rock turn right. It is something springs road.  Then take a left onto hall road and the trail to the lower cascades is on the right about a half of a mile down. It's an easy hike to easily the best waterfall. Many don't know about it because it's not inside the park! Enjoy and get your feet wet!