Momentos

We etch them in our bodies, we put them up in frames, we find symbols, colors, block letters, necklaces, bracelets, quotes. It's all we have. I try to be grateful for all my momentos...and I truly am but truth be told there are those times I just want to bash them all to hell. I hold them tighter. Rub them like a Mom or Dad rubbing their little one to sleep. 5 months later and these momentos just aren't enough. Gluttony. A sin. An indulgence. I should've indulged in Audrey and Bryn more. Now I just indulge in momentos. It's all I can do right? I can't indulge them.  At the time I felt guilt.  J.T. didn't get the chance to hold them and I felt guilt for the time I had. Short and sweet. So much pain that I didn't want to feel. Now I'd give anything to feel them again. Side by side and swaddled as "one" they were handed to me. I looked and studied them and the tears fell hard. Had I been of sound mind I would've never let them go. They should've had to use the jaws of life to pry them from me. I studied their faces........ their eyes weren't open. Their lips were tiny slivers like shaved ice. They were so peaceful. Their tiny hands with fingernails. Take a look at your pinky really quick. That's as wide as their entire foot was. I know that that was poor subject and verb agreement. I'm sure they would've been born by now but this was the day they were due and the day we will celebrate their memory . I had hoped they'd be born June 7. My brothers birthday. I'd hoped they'd get his smarts and talents...and laugh. I'd hoped for a lifetime with them. I'd hoped for beautiful chaos in our family.  I'd hoped by now for 4 not 2. Now I have ultrasound pictures and knitted booties that are blood stained. I think of them ALL THE TIME. You may not and that's ok but I do. If you ever want to bring them up or talk about them...that's ok too. I'd love that. I just knew that all the positivity and prayers were going to work. I was wrong.  Most of you were. I hate saying that but I feel like I'm speaking for so many when they say please just wish me the best. Please don't give me false hope. I say this with hindsight now. At the time I held onto it for dear life. None of us know. Shit happens. Genes don't line up right. Chromosomes are too strong or weak. Some uteruses  aren't strong enough and neither are cervixes.  Sometimes one placenta just won't do. Sometimes it's all just too much. Please just wish everyone the best. Please just say "damn, that sucks I'm so sad and I'll always think of them" when it all falls apart.  Nothing more. Nothing  less.  They changed my heart forever. I'll love them forever. I'll look for things that remind me of them forever.  I'll long for them forever. My momentos.

I want to thank my MOPS Moms for my beautiful Origami Owl necklace. Origami Owls' mission is to be a FORCE FOR GOOD and you all embody that. . I wear it with pride....thank you

This link that shows a developing fetus brings tears to my eyes. How beautiful and miraculous human life is. This is a very good picture of what size and what Audrey and Bryn looked like when they were "born".

#prolife  #inaninstantaheartbeats # twins #audreyandbryn #trapsequencetriplets #jan252015 #smallbutmighty

Cheers, LB

O2

I seriously can't believe this is my life. Staying home with my toddler and trying to promote my business. I do love Origami Owl though because of one big reason. It tells a story. Don't we all have a story? You all read my sad one.  We have happy one's too though!  No matter my story though I get to carry it with me. I wish I had Audrey and Bryn to carry with me physically  but I don't, so this necklace will have to do. So when someone sees it I can share my story. I can tell about all the wonderful mom's  in my MOPS group that got the necklace made for me. They are a force for good. That is the O2 mission.  The summer and MLB line launches today. What's your story?

goals

There is always a reason to smile everyday even when it is incredibly hard. I am reminded of that every time my children smile and every time the modern wonder of technology lets me see my husbands face from over 8000 miles away. J.T. rarely smiles in pictures but I am telling you his smile is seriously the best. I'm also reminded of it when my family and friends continue to reach out and invest in us mentally and physically as a family. Thank you.  It has been hard this week. I've taken moments to myself to have a good cry. Today I wasn't angry that I could not change our situation, just sad. Audrey and Bryn are with me every day, every moment.  It's not the New Year but I have some goals in mind.

1: Blog more:  At least 2x a week because I know you all just love hearing from me(insert sarcasm)

• redesign and revamp it

2 : More date nights with my husband: I want our kids to love the marriage we have. Show them how theirs should be :)

3: Nikon D3200: Use it more, take a class, and get a new lens!

4: Be brave: I am a part of a wonderful group called MOPS( Mothers of Preschoolers), this group has brought me more joy and blessings and toddler relief than I could have even dreamt up. The theme for MOPS this year is "Be You Bravely". If I do this and take the plunge then I can

• be successful in my permanent work from home jobs (Arbonne and Origami Owl)
• have a blog that can help my family financially
• have a husband and children that are simply healthy and happy
• travel the world

5: Reach out: I have to tell myself that even though I am asking people to support my business I am also asking them to invest positively in themselves and others around them. Arbonne is a pure, safe, and beneficial product that has something for the whole family. Origami Owl can be personalized and I love that most about it. I will also be looking for small local businesses to support. If you know a local boutique or shop that needs more exposure I will be happy to help. Please put someone in touch with me and I will be happy to blog about it and spread the word. If you know of anyone that is looking to help a "blogger" out please have them reach out to me. I'm ready to make moves This life we have goes so fast!

Cheers, LB