One moment they're alive and kicking and the next they're just gone. Now I'm faced with getting rid of them. Do I have them surgically removed or do I deliver them? Seems like a crazy question Dr's ask you but the more you sit and think on it the more reasonable it seems. I went with a delivery. My uterus will contract faster and I'll loose less blood and it's less invasive. Since the beginning of finding out I had trap sequence triplets the abounding answer has been "we just don't know" .....I don't know what it'll be like to deliver stillborn babies. I don't know if I'll ever be the same. Perhaps I'll come out stronger and empowered. I just don't know but here goes.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
dear girls,
I can't even begin to tell you how much I love you, how beautiful you are and how much you will be missed. Our time together was much too short. I'm devastated to even have to be writing this letter; to have to say goodbye. I wish it were a dream. It hurts so much I can't breathe. We left the hospital after surgery on a high. You guys were squirmy and all over the place. Much like your big brother and sister :) I wish I knew why this had to happen. I wish I knew the bigger picture and lesson so it could hurt less. It's indescribable. There was so much hope and excitement for the future only to be crushed in an instant. An instant. January 20th along with August 21st will be two of the worst days of my life. Please watch over and take care of your brother or sister up there. Know that there will never be a day that goes by that we dont think of you both and miss you. Never.Family is forever.
We're so very happy that the last picture we have is of you two hugging. I knew the road would be bumpy. I would've taken that til the end of time.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
31
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Post Operation
After a 4am wake up and a restless night with my tumbleweed toddler in the bed with me, we arrived at Carolina Medical Center. This darn flu epidemic really screwed up both my mom and kc being with me at the same time. No one under 18 is allowed past waiting room so someone had to be with Troy. Basically my mom and KC have been playing tag all morning coming to see me.
The experience so far has been wonderful. My team of nurses and anethesiologist have been wonderful and extremely thorough. By this I mean I've been asked 8x if I've had anything to eat or drink since midnight. I mean are they trying to make me hangry? I'm all up on the new slang. In all seriousness all their ducks were in a row and the process was painless and smooth. Overwhelming but smooth. After I got off Viber jt(comforting to see his face and hear his voice)this morning my nerves started gaining but I kept my composure. I wish he was here during my epidural. He was my rock. Literally I leaned on him when they gave me one with Troy haha. The whole OR team came in and introduced themselves. My favorite was Shala. The most uplifting joyful and God fearing Persian beauty. Honestly I just wanted to stare at her and listen to her talk. She grabbed my hand and looked me dead in the eye and said "Lauren I've heard your case and you and your girls are going to be just fine. I've prayed over your room and this team and if you have fear or worry just let it go and let there be peace. God has got this. Amen." Famous words of KC Berry, "drop the mic and boom.done!"
They wheeled me back for what seemed like 10 minutes. This place is huge! I felt like I was in an episode of Grey's or ER. The room was bright white and the lights were even brighter. I counted. There were 11 staff in the room counting the 2 surgeons. Talk about overstimulation all while they're giving me an epidural and another drug to make me loopy.
They laid me down and I don't remember a ton. I was groggy but again not asleep because they needed my uterus to be taught so they could be precise when inserting the needle to find the a-cardiac triplet. My sweet Persian anesthetist goddess, Shala, who never left my side whispered in my ear. "Do you want to listen to some Christian music?" I said sure please. She put some sort of technology by my ear but I could still hear Dr. Stephenson and Dr. Ianitti talking. I heard some laughter and i heard some questions but couldn't make anything out. I didn't want to. I was numb but could tell they were inserting the needle and using the ultrasound. That was making me nervous and I knew that was not how I needed to be. They lifted the canopy from over my head and I asked for more volume. My focus was to breathe and be positive and relax and I'd deal with what they told me later.
Two heartbeats. Whew! ( that's for you KC ;)
I'm in recovery making sure I don't go into labor. They have a belt monitoring to see if there are any contractions for 24hrs. Oh my gosh. The road ahead is along and tomorrow morning is HUGE as we will do an ultrasound on the girls. My prayers are for their healthy hearts and good fluid in their sacs. Things have obviously shifted with there now only being 2. Those are the concerns. God has been so so good. You all have been steadfast and I don't know how to thank you all for your prayers and or good vibes and well wishes. It's overwhelming and our family is so fortunate and blessed by you all.
Cheers, LB
Friday, January 9, 2015
the perfect candidate
I have to say that I have been fearing the worst and suffering insomnia has not made it easier. I have found my dream homes and cars and the best baby gear but still I worry. 1 Kings 19:12 talks about an earthquake and a fire both of which I feel I have gone through. I was shaken up by this news of twins and yet again by a third mass which was almost a triplet. The fire has been these last two weeks and this impeding surgery. Talk about information overload. I mean they have talking about electric shock and microwaves. Throughout it all I've had this sense of peace and do truly believe our girls will be ok. I hear this still, small voice telling me to relax and that there is nothing to fear. I hear this voice in all the prayers I know are being said.
Dr. Stephenson has sat me down twice now and she has called me the perfect candidate for this surgery. I am the perfect size and health etc. HAHA. I too will hold on to this hope and still small voice that I am perfect for this surgery and this situation and therefore the surgery and the girls will be perfectly healthy.
J.T. and I thank you all from the bottom of our hearts for caring and praying for us and our family. We truly are blessed with incredible family and friends. Did I mention my sister in law KC is working remotely from here for the quarter. She literally is packing up her life in LA and moving here to take care of Troy, Kay and I until the girls arrive. As if working on her doctorate at UCLA wasn't enough now she has to deal with an achy mom and tornado of a toddler. We truly are blessed. To all my mommy friends and you know you are thank you for taking care of Troy and all the little things you do on a daily basis to make motherhood so much easier. I am happy my mom will be coming for two weeks and during the surgery. There is nothing like having your mother around. Just thank you to everyone who has offered to help. I am not good at accepting it or asking for it but Lord knows we need it right now. Thank you!
I will keep everyone posted in the days to come.
Cheers, LB
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Our Birth Story
Dr. Horvath sits down and says. Ok well we need to speak about your ultrasound. Pursed lips ensue by both KC and I. As KC said couldn't you have just dropped the mic and been like Merry Christmas you're having twins??? But, no she had to steal the show and a little thunder. She said the sonographer saw three babies on the ultrasound but only two heartbeats. Wait what? I had triplets No, no this baby never formed into an actual fetus there is no heart and no head only a body, legs and blood flow. OK, cool. I got twins. I am happy. She sends us over to the Women's Hospital to have further scans done.Wundebar. My heart is beating out of my chest but they needed to take a closer look. We literally hop in the car and head straight over. Mom of the year right here Troy had Doritos' and Sour Patch Kids for lunch AND some sugary juice whaaaaaat. What's that you hear? Silence. A happy baby! For about 45 min Troy watches Paw Patrol while Nicole scans me to figure out the ultimate alogorythim. How many sacs, placentas, membranes, and umbilical cords? Who is sharing what with who.
Well I am having identical twin girls!!! They have two separate sacs YAY, but share a placenta, not so YAY!! Baby A and Baby B which of you is sharing a sac with Baby C( the a-cardiac abnormality/mass)? Well, Lauren said Dr. Whitecar this is an extremely unusual pregnancy with a HUGE smile on his face. You know when a chef finally gets a ticket with something other than the house specialties yea well this was the excitement he was showing but for me extreme and unusual was not what I wanted to hear! Carolina Medical Center here I come because Baby C has got to go, not out of my stomach but it has got to be cauterized and remain until delivery. It is not healthily that it is shunting blood with either baby A or B(TBD). That is valuable nutrients and strength and bloodflow that the healthy twins will need.
Five grueling and anxious days later I arrive in Charlotte with KC and Troy in tow. More ultrasounds are up on the deck. I laid for nearly 2.5 hours while they searched for cords and separating membranes. Dr Stepehnson will be my specialist and she did the 3rd and final scan. Surgery is necessary and to her immediate while some other opinions differ. She feels it's better to tackle this now and deal with what repercussions may come(HOPEFULLY NONE) before they are at the crucial 24 week age. 4 different surgery options but we have decided to go with Microwave Antenna Ablasion. The heat is focused and not scattered. The mass will be destroyed by the microwaves and bloodflow will prayerfully be restored to normal, the babies will not show any signs of distress and remain healthy.
My biggest risks are 1) Preterm labor and 2) TTS( Twin to Twin Transfusion) this is basically like if 1 kid in your house gets sick so do all the rest of you. Remember when I said the girls shared a placenta. The umbilical cords all connect to the placenta so if 1 gets sick they both risk getting sick or one could get more than the other.
Questions you may have:
1) How did J.T. react to the news of me being pregnant? Well after staring at the screen for about 6 seconds with a straight face he finally and only said "How" :) After he processed all the above information we have determined our Honda Accord will not work for four kids and that he is ecstatic!
2) When is the surgery? Dr Stephenson will have to coordinate with another Dr. who is a liver oncologist. It'll be the week of the 12th but not sure of an exact date. The machine they are using is used on patients with liver problems but Dr. Stephenson being the baller she is determined it could be used on fetuses if necessary. These two are the only surgeons in the world to have performed this surgery together. 12 times with a 100% success rate. The procedure is the easy part, approximately 3min. The risks of the surgery are the scary and hard part.
3) What is your condition called? A term you can look up is: TRAP Sequence in Triplets. It's very rare so not a lot of articles come up.
3) What can I do to help? Aside from prayer nothing at the moment unless you so desire. Unless you can supply us with a white Ford Flex ;)
I am feeling fine. Pregnant HA but fine. I am a nervous and anxious wreck but remain hopeful that the girls will be OK! My mom is looking to take off work and all my wonderful friends and family have stepped up and offered to especially help with Troy as I will be needing to be taking it easy for 1-2 weeks to keep myself and the girls' blood pressure down and as we know toddlers don't help with that no matter how cute they are! ;)
Cheers, LB
Update: Surgery Scheduled for Wednesday January 14th