Is it over

"When you lose a child is it ever really over?"--- Lady Cora Grantham

As if Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Scandal, Lost, and The Walking Dead weren't enough I recently stumbled onto binge watching  Downton Abbey. There has got to be a support group for us binge watchers sooner or later right. I'm sure it'd turn into something of a "book club" and we'd all just sit and talk about what could and should be....with wine.

All of the things that were stressors; the thought of a new home, a new car, a new life plan, it all kept me so busy. I long to have that stressful joy and busyness back. Instead I find myself  just getting through the days. Forcing smiles and wishing for the early morning hours of January 20th to come back. That was the last time I'd truly felt hopeful. ...joyful. Now all I feel is sadness, helpless and angered. It's not all bad. I have so much to be thankful for and it truly is a LONG LIST but I can't help but thinking of them and longing for them. I miss my belly and feeling them kick about. I see Ford Flex's  and open house signs and I'm just well, sad. I see twins everywhere, and cute baby girl clothes everywhere. Every episode of every show from Grey's to Downton has to do with the loss of a child or a high risk pregnancy. Those babies come out cooing though. I think of delivery day and hear nothing but silence as they were pulled from me.

Lady Sybil lost her life to eclampsia while giving birth to her daughter. Sybil's mother, Cora's grief was overwhelming. She was angry. She sulked in bed. She didn't feel like bothering anyone with her sorrow. She blamed her husband for not listening to the doctor about the signs. I won't deny my anger but it's at no one but the universe. Well, I say that but I would not be entirely truthful if I didn't admit to blaming myself once or four times.  I don't speak for all women who have miscarried but as for me how could I not feel responsible for what happened. It was my body afterall that was their comfort and shelter; their life support...and well my body did not hold up well enough for them. This was not a trial I wanted to endure. Why me? Why us? I sit up at night and wonder what I'm doing to be punished in such a way. I slap myself out of it and just keep repeating that shit happens. Shit happens.

The entire Grantham and Crawley family dressed in black for a week grieving the loss of Sybil. Dinners, visits, flowers, food.  At the end of yet another emotionally exhausting long day Lady Cora looked to her husband and asked as she exhaled "is it over"? When you lose a child is it ever really over?"

Dowager Violet, Sybil's Grandmother tried to bring reason to a devastating situation. " When tragedies strike, we try to find someone to blame. And in the absence of a suitable candidate, we usually blame ourselves. You are not to blame. No one is to blame."

Shit happens.

It's not over and it never will be. Lovely people keep telling me that it gets easier. I am waiting on that too.

Cheers, LB