Success

It's been on my mind a lot lately. I've been coaching again, job searching, back to school shopping, job searching, kicked to every external link you can think of and have more junk mail and spam than should be lawfully allowed. So many of us(myself included) measure success by the money we make, the items we have, the places we go, where we live. I don't want that pressure anymore. I still have a pressure on me but it's changed. I've always said that all I want to do is travel the world and be with my family while taking lots of pictures. That's it. I do not want the 9-5. The direct deposit. The automatic bill pay. The budgeting. If I measured my success on those factors I'm a huge failure. We live in a big apartment but it's surely not a house. But my kids are just as happy busting through this door as they could be in a mansion. We wrestle, we eat cookies and popcorn and chicken, we play. Do I want more for them? Absolutely, but I want it in experiences. I want them to see new places; Introduce themselves to strangers and hear their stories. I want them to indulge in their time with family. Starting now I will judge myself on how successful I am not because of money but because of how well my kids turn out and if someone decides to throw a party for me and celebrate me. I figure if they're celebrating me it means I've made them happy at some point. I had kids to spend time with them in life not work and be away from them. This is not a bash on anyone that works it's just saying that that is not MY love or success language. If my kids are happy, polite and well rounded and if people care enough to throw a party for me I'll consider myself a success. Until then my "work" is not done. 

Cheers, LB

Momentos

We etch them in our bodies, we put them up in frames, we find symbols, colors, block letters, necklaces, bracelets, quotes. It's all we have. I try to be grateful for all my momentos...and I truly am but truth be told there are those times I just want to bash them all to hell. I hold them tighter. Rub them like a Mom or Dad rubbing their little one to sleep. 5 months later and these momentos just aren't enough. Gluttony. A sin. An indulgence. I should've indulged in Audrey and Bryn more. Now I just indulge in momentos. It's all I can do right? I can't indulge them.  At the time I felt guilt.  J.T. didn't get the chance to hold them and I felt guilt for the time I had. Short and sweet. So much pain that I didn't want to feel. Now I'd give anything to feel them again. Side by side and swaddled as "one" they were handed to me. I looked and studied them and the tears fell hard. Had I been of sound mind I would've never let them go. They should've had to use the jaws of life to pry them from me. I studied their faces........ their eyes weren't open. Their lips were tiny slivers like shaved ice. They were so peaceful. Their tiny hands with fingernails. Take a look at your pinky really quick. That's as wide as their entire foot was. I know that that was poor subject and verb agreement. I'm sure they would've been born by now but this was the day they were due and the day we will celebrate their memory . I had hoped they'd be born June 7. My brothers birthday. I'd hoped they'd get his smarts and talents...and laugh. I'd hoped for a lifetime with them. I'd hoped for beautiful chaos in our family.  I'd hoped by now for 4 not 2. Now I have ultrasound pictures and knitted booties that are blood stained. I think of them ALL THE TIME. You may not and that's ok but I do. If you ever want to bring them up or talk about them...that's ok too. I'd love that. I just knew that all the positivity and prayers were going to work. I was wrong.  Most of you were. I hate saying that but I feel like I'm speaking for so many when they say please just wish me the best. Please don't give me false hope. I say this with hindsight now. At the time I held onto it for dear life. None of us know. Shit happens. Genes don't line up right. Chromosomes are too strong or weak. Some uteruses  aren't strong enough and neither are cervixes.  Sometimes one placenta just won't do. Sometimes it's all just too much. Please just wish everyone the best. Please just say "damn, that sucks I'm so sad and I'll always think of them" when it all falls apart.  Nothing more. Nothing  less.  They changed my heart forever. I'll love them forever. I'll look for things that remind me of them forever.  I'll long for them forever. My momentos.

I want to thank my MOPS Moms for my beautiful Origami Owl necklace. Origami Owls' mission is to be a FORCE FOR GOOD and you all embody that. . I wear it with pride....thank you

This link that shows a developing fetus brings tears to my eyes. How beautiful and miraculous human life is. This is a very good picture of what size and what Audrey and Bryn looked like when they were "born".

#prolife  #inaninstantaheartbeats # twins #audreyandbryn #trapsequencetriplets #jan252015 #smallbutmighty

Cheers, LB

O2

I seriously can't believe this is my life. Staying home with my toddler and trying to promote my business. I do love Origami Owl though because of one big reason. It tells a story. Don't we all have a story? You all read my sad one.  We have happy one's too though!  No matter my story though I get to carry it with me. I wish I had Audrey and Bryn to carry with me physically  but I don't, so this necklace will have to do. So when someone sees it I can share my story. I can tell about all the wonderful mom's  in my MOPS group that got the necklace made for me. They are a force for good. That is the O2 mission.  The summer and MLB line launches today. What's your story?

i wonder

Today I felt like honestly knocking over every display at Target in the maternity and baby girl section. Oh and the shoes too. So I sat today and wondered how different my life would be today if I were still pregnant. I started to get teary so I cut a piece of cheesecake and cracked open a beer. My life is still beautiful.

Cheers, LB

Lower Cascades

Before you enter the gate to hanging rock turn right. It is something springs road.  Then take a left onto hall road and the trail to the lower cascades is on the right about a half of a mile down. It's an easy hike to easily the best waterfall. Many don't know about it because it's not inside the park! Enjoy and get your feet wet!

Reedy Fork Trail

It's no secret that our family loves to hike. A ton of our pictures are of us doing it. There's beauty all around us and also its essentially free aside from the gas it takes to get you there. Take Church Rd then make a left onto Plainfield and you'll stumble upon the Reedy Fork Trail. After lots of varying landscapes, bridges, an old rusty upside down car, and a couple of babbling brooks you'll stumble upon an amazing beaver dam about 3.2 miles in. It'll be on your left but be sure to keep walking (cross two more bridges) so that you can get an even better view from the other side!

Cheers, LB

goals

There is always a reason to smile everyday even when it is incredibly hard. I am reminded of that every time my children smile and every time the modern wonder of technology lets me see my husbands face from over 8000 miles away. J.T. rarely smiles in pictures but I am telling you his smile is seriously the best. I'm also reminded of it when my family and friends continue to reach out and invest in us mentally and physically as a family. Thank you.  It has been hard this week. I've taken moments to myself to have a good cry. Today I wasn't angry that I could not change our situation, just sad. Audrey and Bryn are with me every day, every moment.  It's not the New Year but I have some goals in mind.

1: Blog more:  At least 2x a week because I know you all just love hearing from me(insert sarcasm)

• redesign and revamp it

2 : More date nights with my husband: I want our kids to love the marriage we have. Show them how theirs should be :)

3: Nikon D3200: Use it more, take a class, and get a new lens!

4: Be brave: I am a part of a wonderful group called MOPS( Mothers of Preschoolers), this group has brought me more joy and blessings and toddler relief than I could have even dreamt up. The theme for MOPS this year is "Be You Bravely". If I do this and take the plunge then I can

• be successful in my permanent work from home jobs (Arbonne and Origami Owl)
• have a blog that can help my family financially
• have a husband and children that are simply healthy and happy
• travel the world

5: Reach out: I have to tell myself that even though I am asking people to support my business I am also asking them to invest positively in themselves and others around them. Arbonne is a pure, safe, and beneficial product that has something for the whole family. Origami Owl can be personalized and I love that most about it. I will also be looking for small local businesses to support. If you know a local boutique or shop that needs more exposure I will be happy to help. Please put someone in touch with me and I will be happy to blog about it and spread the word. If you know of anyone that is looking to help a "blogger" out please have them reach out to me. I'm ready to make moves This life we have goes so fast!

Cheers, LB

memories of what could have been

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.” 

So far I have shared nearly every detail of what has been going on in my/our lives. It was easy. Sometimes I find it difficult to filter my thoughts; just ask my husband ;)  For the last month though I've been engulfed in my memories of Audrey and Bryn. I scroll through my Pinterest board that I made called Twinning and scroll through my phone gallery of pictures and the time I had with them and just tear up at the memories. I find that most conversations only come from my mouth out of necessity not want. People were in and out of our home but I've felt so alone. Having all these conversations when all you can think of is what could have been.  I've gotten caught a few times; you know just having an all out why me cry fest when Jamie and Nik made a surprise visit from Raleigh one day. Of course these emotions are normal but sometimes I just wish I could be genuinely happy, not like fake happy. I wish I could have peace but I can truly say I do not know if I ever will. And that's normal. Who was it that said normal is overrated?

For the moms that have had a child; that have had moments, hours, days, months, or years of memories…. my heart aches for you. To the mom that thinks  just because you didn't carry your child quite as long in the womb than another mom and that it is not on the same level...STOP.  To carry a child for any amount of time is to love them. It is to become a mom.  To know any child is to love them.  The innocence, the tantrums, the diapers, the babbling. The days are long but they years go by fast. Some days I look at Troy and run down a list of names to call of people that would be willing take him in for a week and still love him...unconditionally.  Would Bryn and Audrey test my nerves just as much as their energetic, loving, playful and polite brother; probably. This is one of the worst parts... Only being able to fantasize of what could be...of what NEVER will be. These dreams and fantasies of mine won't come true. I am thankful for the memories that I had with them but spend most of my days lonely and yearning for what could have been.  My heart is more full because I had them and for the moments I got to hold them both in my womb and in my arms. After all that has been lost, there is still a memory...but you can't put your arms around a memory.

One day I know these posts will change all of these lingering doubts and the  sadness will fade but I also know that I will carry them and my other angel baby and share my hopes and dreams for them with as many as I can. I will speak their names as often as I can. I do not want to be alone in my memories and therefore I will share them. I hope you are all ready.

Cheers, LB


Children and families alike across America celebrated Dr. Seuss the other week. I found my new favorite quote of his. What a wise man.

Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory. – Dr. Seus

Snow Day Feb 2015

The first snowstorm in February brought us little in snow accumulation but a lot of ice but this second storm finally gave us just the right amount to bring out the sleds! We hung with our wonderful neighbors in the morning then took a little nap and lunch break. After that we geared back up and literally hit the trail that goes around our complex. It was a great day full of laughter, squeals, and snowball fights. I of course thought of Audrey and Bryn. Troy and Aunt KC took a pic and I immediately said
"you guys look like twins!" Only if I could see those girls....those beautiful identical twins.

Cheers, LB