"I do see a baby but unfortunately I do not see a hearbeat. I'll walk you down to Dr. Anderson I'm sure you have a lot of questions." That was literally word for word what came out of the mouth from my ultrasound tech.
I know they can't disclose any information and are supposed to direct me to the doctor but some remorse sure would of felt nice at the time. Complete shock. I sit here writing this story when today I had planned to just hit the publish button on the pregancy wrtite-up I had already done. :( Surreal. Helpless. Extreme Sadness. Just a few of the things I am feeling. My dear friend Angie was there thankfully as I had a friend watching Troy and even though Thursdays are our day with Kay I wasn't going to pick her up until after. After the ultrasound tech said those words I hopped up, pulled up my "big girl panties" (right) looked at Angie and said "I'm OK! Not with a smile but just feeling shocked and numb. I took a deep breath and thought Oh my god, J.T. is going to be so upset. I collected myself again. I followed the tech down the aisle and it truly hit me when I saw her say somehting softly in the nurses ear and you could see just see all the air let out of her body and her head hang. At that moment the sadness overcame me. "I do not want to tell Kayleigh" she was so freaking happy. Troy has no idea but I would miss him kissing and rubbing my belly. I sat and waited for Dr. Anderson. Beverly Hills as I call him. Good looking genteleman but his bedside manner sometimes makes me think he should be operating on boobs and faces not babies and cervixes. He really surprised me though. Tears kept sneaking up on me while I waited for him but the moment he walked in and said those three words that every mourner hates to hear (I'm so sorry) I just lost it. "There's nothing you did wrong, it's choromosal, we can't change anything. we have to move forward" Then of course he proceeds to pry open my cervix for a pap smear. Real cool dude I'm crying that makes that hurt much worse! He told me that because of how far along I was that I wasn't going to be able to pass the "fetus" on my own. That's my baby, not my fetus! It's just words right? They were going to have to perform surgery and suction it out of me.
I got dressed and Angie and I walked into his office. Can I touch on "Angie being there really quick. I love this lady. She has so much energy. Could talk for hours! We are very alike and very different but I love that about my friends. I mean her family is going to DragonCon. Raise your hand if you see me doing that? No takers? That's what I figured. But in motherhood you speak soo much of the same language. Flashback to my ultrasound as I sat looking at my baby on the monitor just smiling. Not knowing what was going to be said. I remember Angie gasping as the ultrasoud tech said there was no heartbeat. She was so excited to come to this appointment with me. I'm so sad that that had to be her experience. She smiled the rest of the appointment. Thank you, Angie.
Dr. Anderson spoke about the surgery and I will never forget him saying, "you won't remember a thing" I know he was literally speaking of the surgery but...I will never forget this.
I called J.T. and asked him to take off work as I had to be at the hospital at 3pm for surgery. I assumed I would see him at 3. I then called over to Kay's house and had to speak to her Grandmother" Kay answered and was so excited. Her sweet and happy voice just melts me sometimes. I choked back the tears. I told her Grandmother inbetween sobs that I had lost the baby. Not to tell Kay. J.T. and I would tell her. She is going to be devastated. First her teacher gets murdered, then we tell her J.T. is deploying, then we switch to hey you're going to be a sister again to hey, your sibling died. When I got home and finished picking Troy up I saw J.T speeding into a parking space. Troy got down and ran to him with the biggest smile. They embraced then we embraced and he lost it. Completely. Surreal. Helpless. Extreme Sadness.
We cried even as we watched Troy play happily around us and play catch with us. It's crazy how a 16mo old can sense something. He wiped my tears. Hugged me. Wanted to cry himself but I assured him everything was OK. I put him down for a nap and as I sobbed Troy looked at me so confused by my behavior. And in an instant my sweet, affectionate, wild, crazy, beautful boy lifted up my shirt, kissed my belly and then flashed his sweet and perfect smile. This was happening. It was over. This was "see you later" My kid is so smart! We left for the hospital. Angie watched Troy. Last time we made the trip to Women's Hospital I was delivering a beauty healthy boy from an uncomplicated pregnancy. My what a difference 16 months makes.
Having this surgery is not an easy thing. The nurses are so nice but have obviously been trained to say "I'm very sorry you have to be here today" I must of heard that ten times in the four hours that I was there. I got asked all the typical health questions. Temperature was taken, vitals were recorded. I have the best blood there is A+. But then it keeps hitting you in waves inbetween all the smiles they pull out of you. I will no longer be "pregnant" after this. They are taking my baby away from me and there is NOTHING I can do to change it. Surreal. Helpless. Extreme Sadness. I had to wipe my entire body with some wipes that cereate a barrier on my skin and dress in an itchy purple gown with matching purple totes. Oy. The anisthesiologist came in and pumped me full of the "won't remember a thing" meds. It was instantaneous. I remember being rolled down the hall and crying. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't save my baby. When I came to was the worst. I looked down near my feet and on another roll away bed were white sheets soaked in blood. I thought that most of that was maybe mine but perhaps they laid our baby there for a moment. I never got to hold you. The tears were in my ears. Down my cheeks... everywhere. The nurse asked if I wanted to lay and recover or if I wanted to see J.T. He was everything I needed that day. He made me laugh. We even made up our own little fun handshake. He held my hand when I needed him to and cried with me when I wanted him to. Everything he said was perfect and I just felt so safe. I love him dearly and the times of struggle always tend to remind you just how lucky you really are.
Four hours later and it was over. I am not sure how to feel. The emotions come in waves. You want to forget this pain but you never want to forget your child. We all loved this baby dearly and were so excited to meet him or her. I know that I will be pregnant again. I know I wil feel the joy of holding a newborn but now the journey of being preganant will forever change me.
Cheers, LB
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