i wonder

Today I felt like honestly knocking over every display at Target in the maternity and baby girl section. Oh and the shoes too. So I sat today and wondered how different my life would be today if I were still pregnant. I started to get teary so I cut a piece of cheesecake and cracked open a beer. My life is still beautiful.

Cheers, LB

Lower Cascades

Before you enter the gate to hanging rock turn right. It is something springs road.  Then take a left onto hall road and the trail to the lower cascades is on the right about a half of a mile down. It's an easy hike to easily the best waterfall. Many don't know about it because it's not inside the park! Enjoy and get your feet wet!

Reedy Fork Trail

It's no secret that our family loves to hike. A ton of our pictures are of us doing it. There's beauty all around us and also its essentially free aside from the gas it takes to get you there. Take Church Rd then make a left onto Plainfield and you'll stumble upon the Reedy Fork Trail. After lots of varying landscapes, bridges, an old rusty upside down car, and a couple of babbling brooks you'll stumble upon an amazing beaver dam about 3.2 miles in. It'll be on your left but be sure to keep walking (cross two more bridges) so that you can get an even better view from the other side!

Cheers, LB

goals

There is always a reason to smile everyday even when it is incredibly hard. I am reminded of that every time my children smile and every time the modern wonder of technology lets me see my husbands face from over 8000 miles away. J.T. rarely smiles in pictures but I am telling you his smile is seriously the best. I'm also reminded of it when my family and friends continue to reach out and invest in us mentally and physically as a family. Thank you.  It has been hard this week. I've taken moments to myself to have a good cry. Today I wasn't angry that I could not change our situation, just sad. Audrey and Bryn are with me every day, every moment.  It's not the New Year but I have some goals in mind.

1: Blog more:  At least 2x a week because I know you all just love hearing from me(insert sarcasm)

• redesign and revamp it

2 : More date nights with my husband: I want our kids to love the marriage we have. Show them how theirs should be :)

3: Nikon D3200: Use it more, take a class, and get a new lens!

4: Be brave: I am a part of a wonderful group called MOPS( Mothers of Preschoolers), this group has brought me more joy and blessings and toddler relief than I could have even dreamt up. The theme for MOPS this year is "Be You Bravely". If I do this and take the plunge then I can

• be successful in my permanent work from home jobs (Arbonne and Origami Owl)
• have a blog that can help my family financially
• have a husband and children that are simply healthy and happy
• travel the world

5: Reach out: I have to tell myself that even though I am asking people to support my business I am also asking them to invest positively in themselves and others around them. Arbonne is a pure, safe, and beneficial product that has something for the whole family. Origami Owl can be personalized and I love that most about it. I will also be looking for small local businesses to support. If you know a local boutique or shop that needs more exposure I will be happy to help. Please put someone in touch with me and I will be happy to blog about it and spread the word. If you know of anyone that is looking to help a "blogger" out please have them reach out to me. I'm ready to make moves This life we have goes so fast!

Cheers, LB

memories of what could have been

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.” 

So far I have shared nearly every detail of what has been going on in my/our lives. It was easy. Sometimes I find it difficult to filter my thoughts; just ask my husband ;)  For the last month though I've been engulfed in my memories of Audrey and Bryn. I scroll through my Pinterest board that I made called Twinning and scroll through my phone gallery of pictures and the time I had with them and just tear up at the memories. I find that most conversations only come from my mouth out of necessity not want. People were in and out of our home but I've felt so alone. Having all these conversations when all you can think of is what could have been.  I've gotten caught a few times; you know just having an all out why me cry fest when Jamie and Nik made a surprise visit from Raleigh one day. Of course these emotions are normal but sometimes I just wish I could be genuinely happy, not like fake happy. I wish I could have peace but I can truly say I do not know if I ever will. And that's normal. Who was it that said normal is overrated?

For the moms that have had a child; that have had moments, hours, days, months, or years of memories…. my heart aches for you. To the mom that thinks  just because you didn't carry your child quite as long in the womb than another mom and that it is not on the same level...STOP.  To carry a child for any amount of time is to love them. It is to become a mom.  To know any child is to love them.  The innocence, the tantrums, the diapers, the babbling. The days are long but they years go by fast. Some days I look at Troy and run down a list of names to call of people that would be willing take him in for a week and still love him...unconditionally.  Would Bryn and Audrey test my nerves just as much as their energetic, loving, playful and polite brother; probably. This is one of the worst parts... Only being able to fantasize of what could be...of what NEVER will be. These dreams and fantasies of mine won't come true. I am thankful for the memories that I had with them but spend most of my days lonely and yearning for what could have been.  My heart is more full because I had them and for the moments I got to hold them both in my womb and in my arms. After all that has been lost, there is still a memory...but you can't put your arms around a memory.

One day I know these posts will change all of these lingering doubts and the  sadness will fade but I also know that I will carry them and my other angel baby and share my hopes and dreams for them with as many as I can. I will speak their names as often as I can. I do not want to be alone in my memories and therefore I will share them. I hope you are all ready.

Cheers, LB


Children and families alike across America celebrated Dr. Seuss the other week. I found my new favorite quote of his. What a wise man.

Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory. – Dr. Seus