Momentos

We etch them in our bodies, we put them up in frames, we find symbols, colors, block letters, necklaces, bracelets, quotes. It's all we have. I try to be grateful for all my momentos...and I truly am but truth be told there are those times I just want to bash them all to hell. I hold them tighter. Rub them like a Mom or Dad rubbing their little one to sleep. 5 months later and these momentos just aren't enough. Gluttony. A sin. An indulgence. I should've indulged in Audrey and Bryn more. Now I just indulge in momentos. It's all I can do right? I can't indulge them.  At the time I felt guilt.  J.T. didn't get the chance to hold them and I felt guilt for the time I had. Short and sweet. So much pain that I didn't want to feel. Now I'd give anything to feel them again. Side by side and swaddled as "one" they were handed to me. I looked and studied them and the tears fell hard. Had I been of sound mind I would've never let them go. They should've had to use the jaws of life to pry them from me. I studied their faces........ their eyes weren't open. Their lips were tiny slivers like shaved ice. They were so peaceful. Their tiny hands with fingernails. Take a look at your pinky really quick. That's as wide as their entire foot was. I know that that was poor subject and verb agreement. I'm sure they would've been born by now but this was the day they were due and the day we will celebrate their memory . I had hoped they'd be born June 7. My brothers birthday. I'd hoped they'd get his smarts and talents...and laugh. I'd hoped for a lifetime with them. I'd hoped for beautiful chaos in our family.  I'd hoped by now for 4 not 2. Now I have ultrasound pictures and knitted booties that are blood stained. I think of them ALL THE TIME. You may not and that's ok but I do. If you ever want to bring them up or talk about them...that's ok too. I'd love that. I just knew that all the positivity and prayers were going to work. I was wrong.  Most of you were. I hate saying that but I feel like I'm speaking for so many when they say please just wish me the best. Please don't give me false hope. I say this with hindsight now. At the time I held onto it for dear life. None of us know. Shit happens. Genes don't line up right. Chromosomes are too strong or weak. Some uteruses  aren't strong enough and neither are cervixes.  Sometimes one placenta just won't do. Sometimes it's all just too much. Please just wish everyone the best. Please just say "damn, that sucks I'm so sad and I'll always think of them" when it all falls apart.  Nothing more. Nothing  less.  They changed my heart forever. I'll love them forever. I'll look for things that remind me of them forever.  I'll long for them forever. My momentos.

I want to thank my MOPS Moms for my beautiful Origami Owl necklace. Origami Owls' mission is to be a FORCE FOR GOOD and you all embody that. . I wear it with pride....thank you

This link that shows a developing fetus brings tears to my eyes. How beautiful and miraculous human life is. This is a very good picture of what size and what Audrey and Bryn looked like when they were "born".

#prolife  #inaninstantaheartbeats # twins #audreyandbryn #trapsequencetriplets #jan252015 #smallbutmighty

Cheers, LB

goals

There is always a reason to smile everyday even when it is incredibly hard. I am reminded of that every time my children smile and every time the modern wonder of technology lets me see my husbands face from over 8000 miles away. J.T. rarely smiles in pictures but I am telling you his smile is seriously the best. I'm also reminded of it when my family and friends continue to reach out and invest in us mentally and physically as a family. Thank you.  It has been hard this week. I've taken moments to myself to have a good cry. Today I wasn't angry that I could not change our situation, just sad. Audrey and Bryn are with me every day, every moment.  It's not the New Year but I have some goals in mind.

1: Blog more:  At least 2x a week because I know you all just love hearing from me(insert sarcasm)

• redesign and revamp it

2 : More date nights with my husband: I want our kids to love the marriage we have. Show them how theirs should be :)

3: Nikon D3200: Use it more, take a class, and get a new lens!

4: Be brave: I am a part of a wonderful group called MOPS( Mothers of Preschoolers), this group has brought me more joy and blessings and toddler relief than I could have even dreamt up. The theme for MOPS this year is "Be You Bravely". If I do this and take the plunge then I can

• be successful in my permanent work from home jobs (Arbonne and Origami Owl)
• have a blog that can help my family financially
• have a husband and children that are simply healthy and happy
• travel the world

5: Reach out: I have to tell myself that even though I am asking people to support my business I am also asking them to invest positively in themselves and others around them. Arbonne is a pure, safe, and beneficial product that has something for the whole family. Origami Owl can be personalized and I love that most about it. I will also be looking for small local businesses to support. If you know a local boutique or shop that needs more exposure I will be happy to help. Please put someone in touch with me and I will be happy to blog about it and spread the word. If you know of anyone that is looking to help a "blogger" out please have them reach out to me. I'm ready to make moves This life we have goes so fast!

Cheers, LB

31

 Not the bags but how many hours we were at the hospital and I will tell you it was long, nerve wrecking and uncomfortable but most of all joyous! After the surgery Wednesday we were on such a high. I didn't watch TV I just sat uncomfortably in my bed hooked up to blood pressure monitors, a TOCO(contraction band) and leg compressors and just felt relieved and thankful. I read all the comments on my posts and all the encouraging words you shared and just felt so happy. Thank you all. I rolled in at 1030am to recovery. Nurses were in and out giving me my meds and keeping a close eye on my blood pressure as mine runs extremely low. Like 80/49 low at times. We got over a huge hurdle with the surgery and the girls having survived, but the first 24 hours are the most critical and we needed to get the ultrasound to check on the girls. After the surgery the two main concerns were Baby A's fluid levels which were at 3 units and the size of Baby B's heart which seemed a little big. As Dr. Stephenson said this was going to be a long pregnancy. Every day was a reason to celebrate if we got past it. Wednesday drug on and on and I probably slept 4 hours on and off total.  

Thursday morning after a yummy breakfast I was rolled to ultrasound. I had been feeling movement but definitely not as much and not as obvious; plus things had clearly shifted in my womb haha. Dr. Stephenson and Andrew her right-hand man and two other nurses and KC were present. Dr Stephenson talked about the aforementioned concerns; fluid and heart size and as always with her I was shaking and my heart was beating fast. She sat down and put the warm gel on my belly; Ultrasound 15 and counting. Within two seconds she said " I see two heartbeats" with the biggest smile! I let out a huge breath of air and the news just kept getting better. KC squeezed my hand and we watched the girls squirm and kick and photo bomb each other for the next 30 minutes. It was beautiful. Baby A's fluid levels went from 3 to 8 units and Baby B's stayed at 11. That is a great balance considering where we were at yesterday. The other good news was that it was finally evident that Baby C was in fact in its own sac which makes things so much better for Baby B. It took the surgery to reveal that but it was clear as day there was a membrane separating all 3 :) Baby C is still in the picture but there isnt any blood flow going to or from it. It was successfully ablated. The concern of Baby B's heart size will be something that will take time to reveal itself and will be closely monitored.  I was happy of course that our girls were healthy but I too was so happy for Dr. Stephenson and hear team. What a victory and what a blessing she is to women with high risk pregnancies and cases even more specialized such as mine. What she and Dr. Iannitti have done with this machine and microwave ablation is truly remarkable. We would be so helpless without her. God is good and so are his prayer warriors.  

I am on bed rest. She told me without saying those words but it is clear. She said " I want you doing next to nothing. I mean can you can get up and use the bathroom and then go sit back down and then after a bit you can go make a sandwich and sit back down. You may not pick up your son and absolutely no stairs." Did I mention we live in a 3rd floor apartment? :)  KC and I chuckled but it's time I sit on my hands. I like to be up and moving and useful but this is not about me. It is about the girls so I will be doing as little as possible for as long as she tells me. 

 

My mom let KC take the reigns at the hospital overnight while she loved all over her grand baby. I don't think she was too upset about it ;). So thankful to have both of them here. 

I got home after a car break down to a beautiful bouquet of flowers from J.T. and a beautiful note. This has been hard on him and I feel for him. To be so far away and feel so helpless. He's been a great support and I love him and can't wait for him to kiss my belly.

I'll keep you all posted. We won't be out of the woods until we are holding the girls but everyday is a small, joyous victory!

Cheers, LB

the perfect candidate

I have now had 12 ultrasounds since Christmas Eve morning; much more than the average mama bear ;) My stomach is over it and so is my racing heart. That machine gives me anxiety! I can't decide which is worse; to look at the machine or the ultrasound techs face. I went for my last follow up ultrasound to determine surgery this past Wednesday. The a-cardiac triplet has grown so it is definitely necessary to move forward with the microwave ablasion before the situation becomes more risky say in a month from now. I will report on Wednesday January 14th at 5 am  at Carolina Medicl Center in Charlotte and surgery will start at 7am.  I should be all done by 830am and have a contraction band placed on my belly for 24 hours and then the babies will have an ultrasound on Thursday morning and they will be fine and I will go home and take it easy! Easy right?? RIGHT???

I have to say that I have been fearing the worst and suffering insomnia has not made it easier. I have found my dream homes and cars and the best baby gear but still I worry. 1 Kings 19:12 talks about an earthquake and a fire both of which I feel I have gone through. I was shaken up by this news of twins and yet again by a third mass which was almost a triplet. The fire has been these last two weeks and this impeding surgery. Talk about information overload. I mean they have talking about electric shock and microwaves. Throughout it all I've had this sense of peace and do truly believe our girls will be ok. I hear this still, small voice telling me to relax and that there is nothing to fear. I hear this voice in all the prayers I know are being said.

Dr. Stephenson has sat me down twice now and she has called me the perfect candidate for this surgery. I am the perfect size and health etc. HAHA. I too will hold on to this hope and still small voice that I am perfect for this surgery and this situation and therefore the surgery and the girls will be perfectly healthy.

J.T. and I thank you all from the bottom of our hearts for caring and praying for us and our family. We truly are blessed with incredible family and friends. Did I mention my sister in law KC is working remotely from here for the quarter. She literally is packing up her life in LA and moving here to take care of Troy, Kay and I until the girls arrive. As if working on her doctorate at UCLA wasn't enough now she has to deal with an achy mom and tornado of a toddler. We truly are blessed. To all my mommy friends and you know you are thank you for taking care of Troy and all the little things you do on a daily basis to make motherhood so much easier. I am happy my mom will be coming for two weeks and during the surgery. There is nothing like having your mother around. Just thank you to everyone who has offered to help. I am not good at accepting it or asking for it but Lord knows we need it right now. Thank you!

I will keep everyone posted in the days to come.

Cheers, LB

Our Birth Story

Over the last several months I have been feeling pretty lethargic and somber. J.T. has been gone and I have been trying to keep Troy and Kay alive, educated, and entertained, the house clean, and keep up on the job front. I felt rundown and at times overwhelmed and sorry for myself. The last month or so has been rough. My stomach has been giving me major problems. I had convinced myself that I had cysts or tumors from miscarriage complications. Even had KC on board! I called my OB's office and on Christmas Eve went in for an internal ultrasound. All the emotions of being in that room and having someone tell me there was no heartbeat came flooding back and I knew that more bad news was to come. My cycle had not returned and I could feel lumps. The sonographer asked me if I knew I was EH HEM…pregnant! I said NO, in a state of panic thinking you better order up a DNA test because of course when someone tells you that you are pregnant you of course assume it happened the day before right ;) She then switches to the ultrasound on my stomach and says  "well you are 16 weeks along" um I am sorry 16 weeks-there was more shock then relief. I was happy and then she says well " I know I have thrown a lot at you but there are TWO in there!" Ok lady, shut up! The tears flowed as I weeped "I am sorry I came in here expecting you to tell me I had cysts. That my child rearing days were over that I had to prepare for surgery." I mean I just had a miscarriage on 8/21 and he deployed 9/11!!! That is 21 days. Is this even possible???  Well yes dumby, when you have sex you can get pregnant. She didn't say that I did haha. I sat in the hall waiting to see Dr. Horvath. I was smiling, panicking, knowing this was prayer and blessings. I ran to the waiting room and got KC and Troy and when I closed the door I showed KC the folder and the picture of two heads. Her reaction was very smilier to mine. Ugly tears, shock, smiling, uncomfortable laughing! :) I am so blessed by her. She loves so hard and gives up so much all for her love for our family. It's not reasonable and I get my hand batted away a lot. How can I ever repay her for who she is and what she does?

Dr. Horvath sits down and says. Ok well we need to speak about your ultrasound. Pursed lips ensue by both KC and I.  As KC said couldn't you have just dropped the mic and been like Merry Christmas you're having twins??? But, no she had to steal the show and a little thunder. She said the sonographer saw three babies on the ultrasound but only two heartbeats. Wait what? I had triplets No, no this baby never formed into an actual fetus there is no heart and no head only a body, legs and blood flow. OK, cool. I got twins. I am happy. She sends us over to the Women's Hospital to have further scans done.Wundebar. My heart is beating out of my chest but they needed to take a closer look. We literally hop in the car and head straight over. Mom of the year right here Troy had Doritos' and  Sour Patch Kids for lunch AND some sugary juice whaaaaaat. What's that you hear? Silence. A happy baby! For about 45 min Troy watches Paw Patrol while Nicole scans me to figure out the ultimate alogorythim. How many sacs, placentas, membranes, and umbilical cords? Who is sharing what with who.

Well I am having identical twin girls!!! They have two separate sacs YAY, but share a placenta, not so YAY!! Baby A and Baby B which of you is sharing a sac with Baby C( the a-cardiac abnormality/mass)? Well, Lauren said Dr. Whitecar this is an extremely unusual pregnancy with a HUGE smile on his face. You know when a chef finally gets a ticket with something other than the house specialties yea well this was the excitement he was showing but for me extreme and unusual was not what I wanted to hear! Carolina Medical Center here I come because Baby C has got to go, not out of my stomach but it has got to be cauterized and remain until delivery. It is not healthily that it is shunting blood with either baby A or B(TBD). That is valuable nutrients and strength and bloodflow that the healthy twins will need.

Five grueling and anxious days later I arrive in Charlotte with KC and Troy in tow. More ultrasounds are up on the deck. I laid for nearly 2.5 hours while they searched for cords and separating membranes. Dr Stepehnson will be my specialist and she did the 3rd and final scan. Surgery is necessary and to her immediate while some other opinions differ. She feels it's better to tackle this now and deal with what repercussions may come(HOPEFULLY NONE) before they are at the crucial 24 week age.  4 different surgery options but we have decided to go with Microwave Antenna Ablasion. The heat is focused and not scattered. The mass will be destroyed by the microwaves and bloodflow will prayerfully be restored to normal, the babies will not show any signs of distress and remain healthy.

My biggest risks are 1) Preterm labor and 2) TTS( Twin to Twin Transfusion) this is basically like if 1 kid in your house gets sick so do all the rest of you. Remember when I said the girls shared a placenta. The umbilical cords all connect to the placenta so if 1 gets sick they both risk getting sick or one could get more than the other.

Questions you may have:

1) How did J.T. react to the news of me being pregnant?  Well after staring at the screen for about 6 seconds with a straight face he finally and only said "How" :) After he processed all the above information we have determined our Honda Accord will not work for four kids and that he is ecstatic!

2) When is the surgery? Dr Stephenson will have to coordinate with another Dr. who is a liver oncologist. It'll be the week of the 12th but not sure of an exact date. The machine they are using is used on patients with liver problems but Dr. Stephenson being the baller she is determined it could be used on fetuses if necessary.  These two are the only surgeons in the world to have performed this surgery together. 12 times with a 100% success rate. The procedure is the easy part, approximately 3min. The risks of the surgery are the scary and hard part.

3) What is your condition called? A term you can look up is: TRAP Sequence in Triplets. It's very rare so not a lot of articles come up.

3) What can I do to help? Aside from prayer nothing at the moment unless you so desire. Unless you can supply us with a white Ford Flex ;)

I am feeling fine. Pregnant HA but fine. I am a nervous and anxious wreck but remain hopeful that the girls will be OK! My mom is looking to take off work and all my wonderful friends and family have stepped up and offered to especially help with Troy as I will be needing to be taking it easy for 1-2 weeks to keep myself and the girls' blood pressure down and as we know toddlers don't help with that no matter how cute they are! ;)


Cheers, LB

Update: Surgery Scheduled for Wednesday January 14th

salter path north carolina

a big thanks to Jamie Clark for letting us stay at her beautiful place at Indian Beach. It is right on the edge of Emerald Isle. We had two full days of good food, strong sun, soft sand, and tiger sharks! to our sweet loyal, fun, and giving Aunt KC..we adore you and miss you every single day. Thank you for making our time together SO much more special.

i will forever cherish this picture. him looking at his tiny footprints in the sand for the first time.

dad and daughter with same faces haha,

sweet smiles

someone fell asleep while in the ocean. all those cd's make more sense

she was never off of this thing for than 5 min!

sleepy baby

sweet lips

beach snoozing

check out those birds!

this is 100% a face I would say Troy makes on the regular.

mean mugging and surfing lessons

the 2nd of 3 sharks we saw..all caught in 1 hour! 

not going back in the water!