We etch them in our bodies, we put them up in frames, we find symbols, colors, block letters, necklaces, bracelets, quotes. It's all we have. I try to be grateful for all my momentos...and I truly am but truth be told there are those times I just want to bash them all to hell. I hold them tighter. Rub them like a Mom or Dad rubbing their little one to sleep. 5 months later and these momentos just aren't enough. Gluttony. A sin. An indulgence. I should've indulged in Audrey and Bryn more. Now I just indulge in momentos. It's all I can do right? I can't indulge them. At the time I felt guilt. J.T. didn't get the chance to hold them and I felt guilt for the time I had. Short and sweet. So much pain that I didn't want to feel. Now I'd give anything to feel them again. Side by side and swaddled as "one" they were handed to me. I looked and studied them and the tears fell hard. Had I been of sound mind I would've never let them go. They should've had to use the jaws of life to pry them from me. I studied their faces........ their eyes weren't open. Their lips were tiny slivers like shaved ice. They were so peaceful. Their tiny hands with fingernails. Take a look at your pinky really quick. That's as wide as their entire foot was. I know that that was poor subject and verb agreement. I'm sure they would've been born by now but this was the day they were due and the day we will celebrate their memory . I had hoped they'd be born June 7. My brothers birthday. I'd hoped they'd get his smarts and talents...and laugh. I'd hoped for a lifetime with them. I'd hoped for beautiful chaos in our family. I'd hoped by now for 4 not 2. Now I have ultrasound pictures and knitted booties that are blood stained. I think of them ALL THE TIME. You may not and that's ok but I do. If you ever want to bring them up or talk about them...that's ok too. I'd love that. I just knew that all the positivity and prayers were going to work. I was wrong. Most of you were. I hate saying that but I feel like I'm speaking for so many when they say please just wish me the best. Please don't give me false hope. I say this with hindsight now. At the time I held onto it for dear life. None of us know. Shit happens. Genes don't line up right. Chromosomes are too strong or weak. Some uteruses aren't strong enough and neither are cervixes. Sometimes one placenta just won't do. Sometimes it's all just too much. Please just wish everyone the best. Please just say "damn, that sucks I'm so sad and I'll always think of them" when it all falls apart. Nothing more. Nothing less. They changed my heart forever. I'll love them forever. I'll look for things that remind me of them forever. I'll long for them forever. My momentos.
I want to thank my MOPS Moms for my beautiful Origami Owl necklace. Origami Owls' mission is to be a FORCE FOR GOOD and you all embody that. . I wear it with pride....thank you
This link that shows a developing fetus brings tears to my eyes. How beautiful and miraculous human life is. This is a very good picture of what size and what Audrey and Bryn looked like when they were "born".
#prolife #inaninstantaheartbeats # twins #audreyandbryn #trapsequencetriplets #jan252015 #smallbutmighty
Cheers, LB
