we just don't know

One moment they're alive and kicking and the next they're just gone. Now I'm faced with getting rid of them. Do I have them surgically removed or do I deliver them? Seems like a crazy question Dr's ask you but the more you sit and think on it the more reasonable it seems. I went with a delivery. My uterus will contract faster and I'll loose less blood and it's less invasive. Since the beginning of finding out I had trap sequence triplets the abounding answer has been "we just don't know" .....I don't know what it'll be like to deliver stillborn babies. I don't know if I'll ever be the same. Perhaps I'll come out stronger and empowered. I just don't know but here goes.

dear girls,

I can't even begin to tell you how much I love you, how beautiful you are and how much you will be missed. Our time together was much too short. I'm devastated to even have to be writing this letter; to have to say goodbye. I wish it were a dream. It hurts so much I can't breathe. We left the hospital after surgery on a high. You guys were squirmy and all over the place. Much like your big brother and sister :) I wish I knew why this had to happen. I wish I knew the bigger picture and lesson so it could hurt less. It's indescribable. There was so much hope and excitement for the future only to be crushed in an instant. An instant. January 20th along with August 21st will be two of the worst days of my life. Please watch over and take care of your brother or sister up there. Know that there will never be a day that goes by that we dont think of you both and miss you. Never.Family is forever.

We're so very happy that the last picture we have is of you two hugging. I knew the road would be bumpy. I would've taken that til the end of time.

31

 Not the bags but how many hours we were at the hospital and I will tell you it was long, nerve wrecking and uncomfortable but most of all joyous! After the surgery Wednesday we were on such a high. I didn't watch TV I just sat uncomfortably in my bed hooked up to blood pressure monitors, a TOCO(contraction band) and leg compressors and just felt relieved and thankful. I read all the comments on my posts and all the encouraging words you shared and just felt so happy. Thank you all. I rolled in at 1030am to recovery. Nurses were in and out giving me my meds and keeping a close eye on my blood pressure as mine runs extremely low. Like 80/49 low at times. We got over a huge hurdle with the surgery and the girls having survived, but the first 24 hours are the most critical and we needed to get the ultrasound to check on the girls. After the surgery the two main concerns were Baby A's fluid levels which were at 3 units and the size of Baby B's heart which seemed a little big. As Dr. Stephenson said this was going to be a long pregnancy. Every day was a reason to celebrate if we got past it. Wednesday drug on and on and I probably slept 4 hours on and off total.  

Thursday morning after a yummy breakfast I was rolled to ultrasound. I had been feeling movement but definitely not as much and not as obvious; plus things had clearly shifted in my womb haha. Dr. Stephenson and Andrew her right-hand man and two other nurses and KC were present. Dr Stephenson talked about the aforementioned concerns; fluid and heart size and as always with her I was shaking and my heart was beating fast. She sat down and put the warm gel on my belly; Ultrasound 15 and counting. Within two seconds she said " I see two heartbeats" with the biggest smile! I let out a huge breath of air and the news just kept getting better. KC squeezed my hand and we watched the girls squirm and kick and photo bomb each other for the next 30 minutes. It was beautiful. Baby A's fluid levels went from 3 to 8 units and Baby B's stayed at 11. That is a great balance considering where we were at yesterday. The other good news was that it was finally evident that Baby C was in fact in its own sac which makes things so much better for Baby B. It took the surgery to reveal that but it was clear as day there was a membrane separating all 3 :) Baby C is still in the picture but there isnt any blood flow going to or from it. It was successfully ablated. The concern of Baby B's heart size will be something that will take time to reveal itself and will be closely monitored.  I was happy of course that our girls were healthy but I too was so happy for Dr. Stephenson and hear team. What a victory and what a blessing she is to women with high risk pregnancies and cases even more specialized such as mine. What she and Dr. Iannitti have done with this machine and microwave ablation is truly remarkable. We would be so helpless without her. God is good and so are his prayer warriors.  

I am on bed rest. She told me without saying those words but it is clear. She said " I want you doing next to nothing. I mean can you can get up and use the bathroom and then go sit back down and then after a bit you can go make a sandwich and sit back down. You may not pick up your son and absolutely no stairs." Did I mention we live in a 3rd floor apartment? :)  KC and I chuckled but it's time I sit on my hands. I like to be up and moving and useful but this is not about me. It is about the girls so I will be doing as little as possible for as long as she tells me. 

 

My mom let KC take the reigns at the hospital overnight while she loved all over her grand baby. I don't think she was too upset about it ;). So thankful to have both of them here. 

I got home after a car break down to a beautiful bouquet of flowers from J.T. and a beautiful note. This has been hard on him and I feel for him. To be so far away and feel so helpless. He's been a great support and I love him and can't wait for him to kiss my belly.

I'll keep you all posted. We won't be out of the woods until we are holding the girls but everyday is a small, joyous victory!

Cheers, LB

Post Operation

After a 4am wake up and a restless night with my tumbleweed toddler in the bed with me, we arrived at Carolina Medical Center. This darn flu epidemic really screwed up both my mom and kc being with me at the same time. No one under 18 is allowed past waiting room so someone had to be with Troy. Basically my mom and KC have been playing tag all morning coming to see me.

The experience so far has been wonderful. My team of nurses and anethesiologist have been wonderful and extremely  thorough. By this I mean I've been asked 8x if I've had anything  to eat or drink since midnight. I mean are they trying to make me hangry?  I'm all up on the new slang. In all seriousness all their ducks were in a row and the process was painless and smooth. Overwhelming but smooth. After I got off Viber  jt(comforting to see his face and hear his voice)this morning  my nerves started gaining but I kept my composure. I wish he was here during my epidural. He was my rock. Literally I leaned on him when they gave me one with Troy haha.  The whole OR team came in and introduced themselves. My favorite was Shala. The most uplifting joyful and God fearing Persian beauty. Honestly I just wanted to stare at  her and listen to her talk. She grabbed my hand and looked me dead in the eye and said "Lauren  I've heard your case and you and your girls  are going to be just fine. I've prayed over your room and this team and if you have fear or worry just let it go and let there be peace. God has got this. Amen."  Famous words of KC Berry, "drop  the mic and boom.done!"

They wheeled me back for what seemed like 10 minutes. This place is huge! I felt like I was in an episode  of Grey's or ER. The room was bright white and the lights were even  brighter. I counted. There were 11 staff in the room counting the 2 surgeons. Talk about overstimulation all while  they're giving me an epidural and another drug to make me loopy.

They laid me down and I don't remember a ton. I was groggy but again not asleep because they needed my uterus to be taught so they could be precise when inserting the needle to find the a-cardiac triplet. My sweet Persian anesthetist goddess, Shala, who never left my side whispered in my ear. "Do you want to listen to some Christian music?" I said sure please. She put some sort of technology by my ear but I could still hear Dr. Stephenson and Dr. Ianitti talking. I heard some laughter and i heard some questions  but couldn't make anything out. I didn't want to. I was numb but could tell they were inserting the needle and using the ultrasound. That was making me nervous and I knew that was not how I needed to be. They lifted the canopy from over my head and I asked for more volume. My focus was to breathe and be positive and relax and I'd deal with what they told me later.

Two heartbeats. Whew! ( that's for you KC ;) 

I'm in recovery making sure I don't go into labor. They have a belt monitoring to see if there are any contractions  for 24hrs. Oh my gosh. The road ahead is along and tomorrow morning is HUGE as we will do an ultrasound on the girls. My prayers are for their healthy hearts and good fluid in their sacs. Things have obviously shifted with there now only being 2. Those are the concerns. God has been so so good. You all have been steadfast and I don't know how to thank you all for your prayers and or good vibes and well wishes. It's  overwhelming and our family is so fortunate and blessed by you all.

Cheers, LB

the perfect candidate

I have now had 12 ultrasounds since Christmas Eve morning; much more than the average mama bear ;) My stomach is over it and so is my racing heart. That machine gives me anxiety! I can't decide which is worse; to look at the machine or the ultrasound techs face. I went for my last follow up ultrasound to determine surgery this past Wednesday. The a-cardiac triplet has grown so it is definitely necessary to move forward with the microwave ablasion before the situation becomes more risky say in a month from now. I will report on Wednesday January 14th at 5 am  at Carolina Medicl Center in Charlotte and surgery will start at 7am.  I should be all done by 830am and have a contraction band placed on my belly for 24 hours and then the babies will have an ultrasound on Thursday morning and they will be fine and I will go home and take it easy! Easy right?? RIGHT???

I have to say that I have been fearing the worst and suffering insomnia has not made it easier. I have found my dream homes and cars and the best baby gear but still I worry. 1 Kings 19:12 talks about an earthquake and a fire both of which I feel I have gone through. I was shaken up by this news of twins and yet again by a third mass which was almost a triplet. The fire has been these last two weeks and this impeding surgery. Talk about information overload. I mean they have talking about electric shock and microwaves. Throughout it all I've had this sense of peace and do truly believe our girls will be ok. I hear this still, small voice telling me to relax and that there is nothing to fear. I hear this voice in all the prayers I know are being said.

Dr. Stephenson has sat me down twice now and she has called me the perfect candidate for this surgery. I am the perfect size and health etc. HAHA. I too will hold on to this hope and still small voice that I am perfect for this surgery and this situation and therefore the surgery and the girls will be perfectly healthy.

J.T. and I thank you all from the bottom of our hearts for caring and praying for us and our family. We truly are blessed with incredible family and friends. Did I mention my sister in law KC is working remotely from here for the quarter. She literally is packing up her life in LA and moving here to take care of Troy, Kay and I until the girls arrive. As if working on her doctorate at UCLA wasn't enough now she has to deal with an achy mom and tornado of a toddler. We truly are blessed. To all my mommy friends and you know you are thank you for taking care of Troy and all the little things you do on a daily basis to make motherhood so much easier. I am happy my mom will be coming for two weeks and during the surgery. There is nothing like having your mother around. Just thank you to everyone who has offered to help. I am not good at accepting it or asking for it but Lord knows we need it right now. Thank you!

I will keep everyone posted in the days to come.

Cheers, LB

Our Birth Story

Over the last several months I have been feeling pretty lethargic and somber. J.T. has been gone and I have been trying to keep Troy and Kay alive, educated, and entertained, the house clean, and keep up on the job front. I felt rundown and at times overwhelmed and sorry for myself. The last month or so has been rough. My stomach has been giving me major problems. I had convinced myself that I had cysts or tumors from miscarriage complications. Even had KC on board! I called my OB's office and on Christmas Eve went in for an internal ultrasound. All the emotions of being in that room and having someone tell me there was no heartbeat came flooding back and I knew that more bad news was to come. My cycle had not returned and I could feel lumps. The sonographer asked me if I knew I was EH HEM…pregnant! I said NO, in a state of panic thinking you better order up a DNA test because of course when someone tells you that you are pregnant you of course assume it happened the day before right ;) She then switches to the ultrasound on my stomach and says  "well you are 16 weeks along" um I am sorry 16 weeks-there was more shock then relief. I was happy and then she says well " I know I have thrown a lot at you but there are TWO in there!" Ok lady, shut up! The tears flowed as I weeped "I am sorry I came in here expecting you to tell me I had cysts. That my child rearing days were over that I had to prepare for surgery." I mean I just had a miscarriage on 8/21 and he deployed 9/11!!! That is 21 days. Is this even possible???  Well yes dumby, when you have sex you can get pregnant. She didn't say that I did haha. I sat in the hall waiting to see Dr. Horvath. I was smiling, panicking, knowing this was prayer and blessings. I ran to the waiting room and got KC and Troy and when I closed the door I showed KC the folder and the picture of two heads. Her reaction was very smilier to mine. Ugly tears, shock, smiling, uncomfortable laughing! :) I am so blessed by her. She loves so hard and gives up so much all for her love for our family. It's not reasonable and I get my hand batted away a lot. How can I ever repay her for who she is and what she does?

Dr. Horvath sits down and says. Ok well we need to speak about your ultrasound. Pursed lips ensue by both KC and I.  As KC said couldn't you have just dropped the mic and been like Merry Christmas you're having twins??? But, no she had to steal the show and a little thunder. She said the sonographer saw three babies on the ultrasound but only two heartbeats. Wait what? I had triplets No, no this baby never formed into an actual fetus there is no heart and no head only a body, legs and blood flow. OK, cool. I got twins. I am happy. She sends us over to the Women's Hospital to have further scans done.Wundebar. My heart is beating out of my chest but they needed to take a closer look. We literally hop in the car and head straight over. Mom of the year right here Troy had Doritos' and  Sour Patch Kids for lunch AND some sugary juice whaaaaaat. What's that you hear? Silence. A happy baby! For about 45 min Troy watches Paw Patrol while Nicole scans me to figure out the ultimate alogorythim. How many sacs, placentas, membranes, and umbilical cords? Who is sharing what with who.

Well I am having identical twin girls!!! They have two separate sacs YAY, but share a placenta, not so YAY!! Baby A and Baby B which of you is sharing a sac with Baby C( the a-cardiac abnormality/mass)? Well, Lauren said Dr. Whitecar this is an extremely unusual pregnancy with a HUGE smile on his face. You know when a chef finally gets a ticket with something other than the house specialties yea well this was the excitement he was showing but for me extreme and unusual was not what I wanted to hear! Carolina Medical Center here I come because Baby C has got to go, not out of my stomach but it has got to be cauterized and remain until delivery. It is not healthily that it is shunting blood with either baby A or B(TBD). That is valuable nutrients and strength and bloodflow that the healthy twins will need.

Five grueling and anxious days later I arrive in Charlotte with KC and Troy in tow. More ultrasounds are up on the deck. I laid for nearly 2.5 hours while they searched for cords and separating membranes. Dr Stepehnson will be my specialist and she did the 3rd and final scan. Surgery is necessary and to her immediate while some other opinions differ. She feels it's better to tackle this now and deal with what repercussions may come(HOPEFULLY NONE) before they are at the crucial 24 week age.  4 different surgery options but we have decided to go with Microwave Antenna Ablasion. The heat is focused and not scattered. The mass will be destroyed by the microwaves and bloodflow will prayerfully be restored to normal, the babies will not show any signs of distress and remain healthy.

My biggest risks are 1) Preterm labor and 2) TTS( Twin to Twin Transfusion) this is basically like if 1 kid in your house gets sick so do all the rest of you. Remember when I said the girls shared a placenta. The umbilical cords all connect to the placenta so if 1 gets sick they both risk getting sick or one could get more than the other.

Questions you may have:

1) How did J.T. react to the news of me being pregnant?  Well after staring at the screen for about 6 seconds with a straight face he finally and only said "How" :) After he processed all the above information we have determined our Honda Accord will not work for four kids and that he is ecstatic!

2) When is the surgery? Dr Stephenson will have to coordinate with another Dr. who is a liver oncologist. It'll be the week of the 12th but not sure of an exact date. The machine they are using is used on patients with liver problems but Dr. Stephenson being the baller she is determined it could be used on fetuses if necessary.  These two are the only surgeons in the world to have performed this surgery together. 12 times with a 100% success rate. The procedure is the easy part, approximately 3min. The risks of the surgery are the scary and hard part.

3) What is your condition called? A term you can look up is: TRAP Sequence in Triplets. It's very rare so not a lot of articles come up.

3) What can I do to help? Aside from prayer nothing at the moment unless you so desire. Unless you can supply us with a white Ford Flex ;)

I am feeling fine. Pregnant HA but fine. I am a nervous and anxious wreck but remain hopeful that the girls will be OK! My mom is looking to take off work and all my wonderful friends and family have stepped up and offered to especially help with Troy as I will be needing to be taking it easy for 1-2 weeks to keep myself and the girls' blood pressure down and as we know toddlers don't help with that no matter how cute they are! ;)


Cheers, LB

Update: Surgery Scheduled for Wednesday January 14th