Momentos

We etch them in our bodies, we put them up in frames, we find symbols, colors, block letters, necklaces, bracelets, quotes. It's all we have. I try to be grateful for all my momentos...and I truly am but truth be told there are those times I just want to bash them all to hell. I hold them tighter. Rub them like a Mom or Dad rubbing their little one to sleep. 5 months later and these momentos just aren't enough. Gluttony. A sin. An indulgence. I should've indulged in Audrey and Bryn more. Now I just indulge in momentos. It's all I can do right? I can't indulge them.  At the time I felt guilt.  J.T. didn't get the chance to hold them and I felt guilt for the time I had. Short and sweet. So much pain that I didn't want to feel. Now I'd give anything to feel them again. Side by side and swaddled as "one" they were handed to me. I looked and studied them and the tears fell hard. Had I been of sound mind I would've never let them go. They should've had to use the jaws of life to pry them from me. I studied their faces........ their eyes weren't open. Their lips were tiny slivers like shaved ice. They were so peaceful. Their tiny hands with fingernails. Take a look at your pinky really quick. That's as wide as their entire foot was. I know that that was poor subject and verb agreement. I'm sure they would've been born by now but this was the day they were due and the day we will celebrate their memory . I had hoped they'd be born June 7. My brothers birthday. I'd hoped they'd get his smarts and talents...and laugh. I'd hoped for a lifetime with them. I'd hoped for beautiful chaos in our family.  I'd hoped by now for 4 not 2. Now I have ultrasound pictures and knitted booties that are blood stained. I think of them ALL THE TIME. You may not and that's ok but I do. If you ever want to bring them up or talk about them...that's ok too. I'd love that. I just knew that all the positivity and prayers were going to work. I was wrong.  Most of you were. I hate saying that but I feel like I'm speaking for so many when they say please just wish me the best. Please don't give me false hope. I say this with hindsight now. At the time I held onto it for dear life. None of us know. Shit happens. Genes don't line up right. Chromosomes are too strong or weak. Some uteruses  aren't strong enough and neither are cervixes.  Sometimes one placenta just won't do. Sometimes it's all just too much. Please just wish everyone the best. Please just say "damn, that sucks I'm so sad and I'll always think of them" when it all falls apart.  Nothing more. Nothing  less.  They changed my heart forever. I'll love them forever. I'll look for things that remind me of them forever.  I'll long for them forever. My momentos.

I want to thank my MOPS Moms for my beautiful Origami Owl necklace. Origami Owls' mission is to be a FORCE FOR GOOD and you all embody that. . I wear it with pride....thank you

This link that shows a developing fetus brings tears to my eyes. How beautiful and miraculous human life is. This is a very good picture of what size and what Audrey and Bryn looked like when they were "born".

#prolife  #inaninstantaheartbeats # twins #audreyandbryn #trapsequencetriplets #jan252015 #smallbutmighty

Cheers, LB

31

 Not the bags but how many hours we were at the hospital and I will tell you it was long, nerve wrecking and uncomfortable but most of all joyous! After the surgery Wednesday we were on such a high. I didn't watch TV I just sat uncomfortably in my bed hooked up to blood pressure monitors, a TOCO(contraction band) and leg compressors and just felt relieved and thankful. I read all the comments on my posts and all the encouraging words you shared and just felt so happy. Thank you all. I rolled in at 1030am to recovery. Nurses were in and out giving me my meds and keeping a close eye on my blood pressure as mine runs extremely low. Like 80/49 low at times. We got over a huge hurdle with the surgery and the girls having survived, but the first 24 hours are the most critical and we needed to get the ultrasound to check on the girls. After the surgery the two main concerns were Baby A's fluid levels which were at 3 units and the size of Baby B's heart which seemed a little big. As Dr. Stephenson said this was going to be a long pregnancy. Every day was a reason to celebrate if we got past it. Wednesday drug on and on and I probably slept 4 hours on and off total.  

Thursday morning after a yummy breakfast I was rolled to ultrasound. I had been feeling movement but definitely not as much and not as obvious; plus things had clearly shifted in my womb haha. Dr. Stephenson and Andrew her right-hand man and two other nurses and KC were present. Dr Stephenson talked about the aforementioned concerns; fluid and heart size and as always with her I was shaking and my heart was beating fast. She sat down and put the warm gel on my belly; Ultrasound 15 and counting. Within two seconds she said " I see two heartbeats" with the biggest smile! I let out a huge breath of air and the news just kept getting better. KC squeezed my hand and we watched the girls squirm and kick and photo bomb each other for the next 30 minutes. It was beautiful. Baby A's fluid levels went from 3 to 8 units and Baby B's stayed at 11. That is a great balance considering where we were at yesterday. The other good news was that it was finally evident that Baby C was in fact in its own sac which makes things so much better for Baby B. It took the surgery to reveal that but it was clear as day there was a membrane separating all 3 :) Baby C is still in the picture but there isnt any blood flow going to or from it. It was successfully ablated. The concern of Baby B's heart size will be something that will take time to reveal itself and will be closely monitored.  I was happy of course that our girls were healthy but I too was so happy for Dr. Stephenson and hear team. What a victory and what a blessing she is to women with high risk pregnancies and cases even more specialized such as mine. What she and Dr. Iannitti have done with this machine and microwave ablation is truly remarkable. We would be so helpless without her. God is good and so are his prayer warriors.  

I am on bed rest. She told me without saying those words but it is clear. She said " I want you doing next to nothing. I mean can you can get up and use the bathroom and then go sit back down and then after a bit you can go make a sandwich and sit back down. You may not pick up your son and absolutely no stairs." Did I mention we live in a 3rd floor apartment? :)  KC and I chuckled but it's time I sit on my hands. I like to be up and moving and useful but this is not about me. It is about the girls so I will be doing as little as possible for as long as she tells me. 

 

My mom let KC take the reigns at the hospital overnight while she loved all over her grand baby. I don't think she was too upset about it ;). So thankful to have both of them here. 

I got home after a car break down to a beautiful bouquet of flowers from J.T. and a beautiful note. This has been hard on him and I feel for him. To be so far away and feel so helpless. He's been a great support and I love him and can't wait for him to kiss my belly.

I'll keep you all posted. We won't be out of the woods until we are holding the girls but everyday is a small, joyous victory!

Cheers, LB